


Empirical

by banbanabas



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alphynecentric, F/F, Fluff, Post-Pacifist Route, gym teacher undyne and science teacher alphys, i hope this does the headcanon justice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banbanabas/pseuds/banbanabas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Undyne sighed, let her hands fall to her lap, and grimaced. “I just wish that I’d have learned how to kiss my girlfriend without doing something stupid by now, you know?” she muttered.</p><p>Alphys had an idea.</p><p>“Th-then I can teach you.”</p><p>((written for a fabulous headcanon by flowerats on tumblr, the gist of which is this: “alphys is a much better kisser than undyne. … my proposal: alphys teaching undyne how to kiss.”))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empirical

**Author's Note:**

> written for the lovely adena, a.k.a. flowerats . tumblr . com, who came up with this quality alphyne headcanon (as well as many, many others).
> 
> i hope you enjoy this fic about kissing monsters.

Alphys sure had her work cut out for her. Teaching kids had sounded like a breeze compared to conducting dangerous lab experiments, but goodness, Toriel was ruthless when it came to lesson plans. If Alphys wanted to introduce new material, she had to outline it all in detail before Toriel would approve. The staff could thank Undyne for Toriel’s cautiousness; the gym teacher’s impromptu Intro to Weapons of War lesson had not gone over well. Alphys snorted over her notes, remembering Toriel’s unamused expression in their last faculty meeting. She may be a kindhearted, old goat, but boy, could she give a verbal reaming.

Alphys heard the front door slam. “Home, Alphys!” Undyne called.

“I’m in the kitchen!” Alphys replied, eyes still glued to her laptop. “D-don’t forget to take your shoes off by the door!” The footsteps heading toward the kitchen stopped abruptly and resumed in the opposite direction. Alphys smirked and shook her head. “How was practice?”

“Pretty good!” Undyne said from behind her. Alphys looked up from the screen as Undyne dropped into the chair beside her at the kitchen table. “We scrimmaged tonight. Frisk almost scored a point, but they saw Monster Kid trip and stopped to help him up instead of kicking the goal,” she added with a shake of her head.

“Ha ha, that’s Frisk, all right.”

“Yeah! Such a good kid. I’m gonna grab some water. You want anything?”

“No, I-I’m good, thanks.” Undyne stood and made to drop a kiss on Alphys’s forehead as she walked by, but it landed right above her eye. Her glasses were knocked askew.

“Whoops! My bad,” Undyne said as Alphys fixed her spectacles, and then she added rather quickly, “Er, what are you working on, anyway?”

Alphys stopped typing. “I’m trying to a-add a lab for the older kids. S-something with circuits and batteries. If Toriel will let me, heh.” She sighed. “I wanted to show them my magic. But my electricity isn’t as controlled as your spears. Or Toriel’s fire or P-Papyrus’s bones. But if I, uh, have something to ch-channel it through, it works.”

“Cool! They would love that,” Undyne exclaimed as she poured herself a cup of water from the hotfridge. She slid back into her chair and crossed her legs. “So how many pages is your outline?”

Alphys raised an eyebrow at Undyne, who gave a sheepish grin. “Fifteen.” Undyne’s mouth fell open.

“Fifteen? Are you _serious_? Oh, my God, how can you write fifteen pages about one lesson?”

She shrugged and turned the screen in Undyne’s direction. “I have to be thorough if I want Toriel to let me d-do this. She’s pretty serious about safety, y-you know.” She shot Undyne another look, receiving an unapologetic, toothy smile in return.

“Okay, yes, that was my fault. But you should have seen how excited they were! You ever seen a crowd of eight-year-olds working together to pick up a battle axe? Man!” Undyne’s eyes lit up as she clapped her hands together in front of her chest. “Those kids are gonna go far.” Alphys squinted at her again. “Oh, don’t even say it. ‘Only if they survive elementary school, Undyne! And they won’t survive! If you give them weapons!’” Undyne mimicked, placing a hand on her hip and pointing an accusatory finger at a giggling Alphys. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all already from Toriel.”

“I was there.”

Undyne rolled her eyes. “Okay. Time to change the subject. I’m still nursing my wounds, Alphys,” she whined. Alphys sighed and tugged the laptop back.

“H-hold on. I need to reread this one more time. Just in case,” Alphys murmured, her eyes focused on the document again. Undyne leaned both elbows on the table.

“Why don’t you take a break? It looks like you’ve been working since you got home,” she said, nodding at the laptop case and papers placed haphazardly on the counter. Alphys hummed a noncommittal sound. “Oh, come on. Just for a little bit?” When she didn’t get a reply, Undyne pursed her lips and sat back with a huff. But then a mischievous grin curled onto her lips.

Without warning, Alphys felt a pair of hands slide between her and the chair, and a moment later she was in the air. “Hey!” she shouted, swatting at the woman cradling her bridal-style. “Undyne! P-put me down!”

“Nope! You are going to take a minute to _relax_!” she declared as she marched into the living room. Alphys groaned and went limp in her arms.

“ _Fine_ ,” she muttered. Undyne flopped onto the couch with an “oof” and propped Alphys up in a sitting position. She leaned against Undyne’s chest, sighing, head carefully nestled under her chin to avoid poking Undyne with her crown of spikes.

“Comfortable?” she asked. Alphys chirruped, drawing a smile from Undyne. “I love it when you do that.” At that, Alphys’s shoulders inched upward, and Undyne could sense a blush forming on her face. She nudged her forward a little so she could see. Yep, there was the blush. “You’re so freakin’ _cute_ ,” Undyne said as she lowered her face to kiss her—

But instead bumped her very roughly on the nose. Alphys made a pained noise and flopped backwards onto the couch arm, rubbing at her snout. Thoroughly embarrassed, Undyne covered her face with both hands and groaned. “Shit.”

“It’s o-okay! I’m okay!” Alphys said quickly while patting Undyne’s shoulder with her free hand. Undyne tilted her head back, defeated.

“I can’t believe I did that _again_!” she said, though her hands muffled the words. “I keep doing that, I’m sorry. _Shit_.”

“It’s okay, U-Undyne—”

“No, it isn’t! I always hit you on the nose when I try to kiss you. And I should have figured out how _not_ to do that anymore, but I haven’t! Ha ha ha!” She punctuated each laugh with a quick, jerking shake of her head. Alphys patted her shoulder again. “And I _would_ blame it on my depth perception, but my entire job in the Underground was fucking _throwing weapons_. I should be able to judge a ten inch distance!”

“L-listen, it’s okay, really,” she repeated, and she meant it. Alphys had to admit that that happened a lot. Undyne was very... Excited, about everything. Her enthusiasm translated well into whatever she wanted to do most of the time, but when it came to kissing Alphys, things never seemed to go her way. She usually ended up with a bruised snout or her glasses jammed in her face or some other unfortunate, temporary malady. She didn’t mind, but Undyne obviously did.

Undyne sighed, let her hands fall to her lap, and grimaced. “I just wish that I’d have learned how to kiss my girlfriend without doing something stupid by now, you know?” she muttered.

Alphys had an idea.

“Th-then I can teach you.”

Undyne squinted. “What?”

Alphys pressed her elbow into the cushion to sit up in Undyne’s lap. “I can t-teach you how to, um, kiss,” she said, blushing furiously. “I-if you want.”

“I, uh,” Undyne began. She looked away and scratched at her neck. Well, it wasn’t necessarily a _bad_ idea... “I. God. Yes. Okay. I feel dumb as hell right now, but okay?”

“You’re not dumb,” Alphys said, placing a hand on the side of Undyne’s face. “Heh, wanna know where I learned how?” Undyne raised her brows in a silent question. Alphys snickered and said proudly, “Mew Mew Kissy Cutie.”

Undyne pursed her lips and looked down. Her shoulders twitched. And then she barked one very quick, very choked laugh. Alphys punched her lightly on the shoulder. “Hey! It w-worked, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, it _did_ ,” Undyne admitted with a blush. “Please just. Teach me.”

“Okay.” Alphys rearranged her legs so that she was straddling a now-deeply-blushing Undyne. “So. The most important thing is to be aware.”

“Aware of?”

“Your partner,” she continued. “You can just kiss someone really fast, yeah, but if you want it to be good, you have to be super conscious of the other person.” To demonstrate, Alphys leaned back and passed a glance over Undyne. “See, your hands are at your sides right now, so I’m going to put my hand on your cheek—” She did. “—and lean in a little closer.” She did that, too. Undyne felt her heartbeat quicken. “But do the leaning-in slowly so you don’t smash faces.” Undyne huffed a laugh but didn’t comment.

“So now. Angles are really important. You can kiss someone head on,” she said, pressing a gentle peck on Undyne’s lips, “and that’s fine, but if you want something better, you tilt your head a little. Like this.” She leaned back and, yes, tilted her head to the side a bit, then flitted her eyes up to Undyne’s before moving in again. This kiss was just as soft, but Alphys moved her lips against Undyne’s, and the sensation made her close her eyes, her face burning. The hand at her cheek shifted up slowly as Alphys pressed more firmly, the other hand finding its way to Undyne’s side. Undyne lazily wound her arms around Alphys’s waist. The smaller monster smiled into the kiss and pulled back just enough to take a breath. “Very good,” she said, tapping one of Undyne’s arms.

“Thanks,” Undyne said between breaths. Alphys touched their foreheads together for a moment before recreating the previous distance.

“You felt my lips moving, right?” she asked. Undyne grinned despite herself, nodding. “That’s a good thing to keep in mind. You can tilt your head a little more during the kiss or just move your lips. And—” She grinned widely, the smile making her eyes crinkle at the edges. “—you can open your mouth a little, too.” Alphys pressed their lips together again and repeated her movements from before, if Undyne recalled correctly. Then Alphys did what she said she was going to do, and Undyne didn’t recall much of anything. She was focused entirely on Alphys, her lips, the hands on her cheek and waist, the way her chest was suddenly pressed against her when Alphys shifted closer. Her mouth opened, barely, and good God, Undyne could tell the difference. She copied her. The pressure felt somehow greater but still not enough, so Undyne leaned forward even more. The hand at her cheek was running through her hair now (when had Alphys undone her ponytail?), and Alphys dragged her claws ever so lightly against her scalp. When a low-pitched noise escaped her chest, she was sure the reptilian woman was smiling again.

All too soon, they separated, both taking heaving breaths as they searched the eyes of the other. Alphys didn’t miss a beat. “Still keeping those hands in mind?” she whispered. Undyne nodded wordlessly. “Good. You can also move around in between. Like so.” She kissed a line from Undyne’s jaw to her fin, which twitched at the contact, and then down her neck. Undyne shivered when her lips pressed against her gills and again when the hand at her waist tightened infinitesimally. “But you always come back up,” Alphys finished as she kissed Undyne one more time. Emboldened, Undyne dug her claws into Alphys’s back and dragged them toward herself, and she was rewarded with a satisfied noise that sounded against her own lips.

When both their lungs ached for air, Alphys finally pulled back and sat on her haunches. A full blush colored Undyne’s face and neck, she was panting, and she was staring right back at Alphys with hooded eyes. Her chest swelled with emotion. “Think you’ve got it now?” Alphys murmured. Undyne’s lips twitched upward.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Prove it.” Both their eyes widened at that quip. Alphys could barely believe what was coming out of her mouth, and it looked like Undyne couldn’t either. But the taller woman swept her up in her arms nonetheless and deposited her on the couch, Undyne placing her hands in the space on either side of her head. Alphys was effectively trapped.

“All right, Teach,” Undyne said. Her already-mussed hair cascaded over her shoulders, and the ends just barely tickled Alphys’s snout. The view from here, Alphys decided, was amazing. “By the way, did you notice that you lose your stutter when you lecture? Because I noticed.” Undyne gave a full smile as Alphys’s eyes widened in realization.

“O-oh.”

Undyne put all her weight on one hand so she could cup Alphys’s cheek. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Y-yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess it is.”

“Then that’s good,” Undyne said proudly, beaming down at the suddenly bashful woman. “I want you to be happy and confident and…” Undyne paused to snort. “Oh, man, I’m getting sappy here. You see what _you_ do to _me_? I’m a wreck!”

Alphys couldn’t find a reply—not that she would have said anything even if she had, but the way Undyne was looking at her right then had erased all semblance of language from her system. Instead, she placed a hand over Undyne’s on her cheek and sighed happily.

“Okay, okay, I’m getting to it,” Undyne muttered, still grinning. She shifted that hand under Alphys’s neck and lifted, gently, as she lowered herself in return. It all happened so slowly that Alphys could barely believe this was happening.

Right before she pressed their lips together, Undyne tilted her head _just so_ , and Alphys was starkly aware of the hand at the back of her neck as well as the kiss, and _then_ Undyne opened her mouth a bit. _God, she learned fast_.

Alphys wrapped her arms around Undyne’s neck to move in closer, and Undyne tilted her head a little to compensate. Then she slid down to her elbow, dropping them both on the couch cushion and consequently leaving Undyne’s body flush against Alphys’s. The ensuing heat in Alphys’s cheeks would put the Core to shame.

Her whole world went white when Undyne began to move her lips. And some time later, when Alphys’s senses weren’t completely consumed by the beautiful woman above her, Undyne pulled back and rolled over beside Alphys, one arm lazily thrown over her side. “How,” she whispered huskily, “was that?”

Alphys stared back, still entranced. “Hm. You. Get an ‘A.’”

Undyne scoffed but kept her smile. “Just an ‘A’? Come on, Teach! That was totally worth an ‘A’ plus!” Alphys shrugged.

“We’ll see,” she murmured. “I think you could improve your grade with… Uh, a little extra credit.” She couldn’t keep a straight face this time, and a sly grin curled onto her lips. Undyne’s eyebrows rose impressively high.

“I see how it is. Then let me prove it to you—”

Alphys tutted, shaking a single claw in the air. “Not so fast. I still have some work to do,” she said matter-of-factly as she slipped out from under Undyne’s arm.

“Are you serious?” Undyne said incredulously, her brows now furrowed.

Alphys gathered her courage to say what came next: “D-don’t worry, babe. I’ll… See you after class.” With that, she sauntered into the kitchen, leaving a dumbfounded and severely blushing Undyne laying sideways on the couch.

It took about thirty seconds for her to reply, “Yes! You will be seeing me! After class!” in a choked voice. Alphys couldn’t help but laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> eheheheeheheh
> 
> i would also like to mention that adena/flowerats is responsible for the chirping hc and the Mew Mew Kissy Cutie hc. and probably some others that i missed? this fic is basically our joint brainchild lmao
> 
> so go check out her blog ;)


End file.
